poprocks.com: narcissism central: convertible adventures with nemesis(ter), July 2003
There is pretty much nothing better than driving a convertible down the Pacific Coast Highway with Lana Swartz, my online nemesis and a certain translucent velveteen italian greyhound. Every time we put the top down in the Mustang, the dog was like "What the fuck?!" It totally blew her mind that the top of a car could come off. When we started out from San Francisco at 6a.m. we looked like crazy alter-ego soap opera characters -- Lana dressed completely in flowy black and me in rainbow colors. In practice, our headscarves weren't as sexy as we had envisioned them in our plans. And damn -- it gets cold driving through the Northern California coastal fog.

Bocce was indifferent to the elephant seals. Are Lana and I the only people who find elephant seals completely hysterical? If you don't agree, you may need to watch our MPEG video of a large seal burping at us. Be sure to turn up your volume! And -- according to this sign -- if you don't close the gate, the seals may wander off the beach and into the parking lot.

Jeff's friend let him spend the holiday weekend in a sweet cottage down in Laguna Beach. It wasn't long before Lana and I accosted him on the sand. Bocce bonded with Paul and Anne. There is pretty much nothing more creepy and beautiful than spending a Saturday night snaking around Mullholland Drive with the top down and the heat on listening to "Sleep the Clock Around." We stopped the car to strike poses, thinking, "Yes, this is the way we'd like to be immortalized." Either that, or remember us wearing our velvet J.Lo track suits, purchased and personalized with our 'hoods -- Dogpatch and Montrose -- embroidered in South Central font at the Slauson Swap Meet (a place immortalized in the Dr. Dre and Snoop song "The Day the Niggaz Took Over." Sing along with Lana and Jess: "Let's jump in off in Compton so I gots ta get my loot on / and come up on me some furniture or sometin / Got a VCR / in the back of my car / that I ganked from the Slauson Swap Meet." Yeah, remember us in our track suits, working our kung fu moves, and understand why you don't want to mess with us.